“I leaf in America twenty years!” or, English according to my dad

Wal-Mart: Wa-Ma

Smart: S-ma (“rt” is always silent in Dad’s world)

Chubby: Cho-pi

Jeopardy: Ja-potty

Soap opera: Soap operate (my sister and I spent the entire car ride home have a serious convo about how watching soap operations weren’t really conducive to learning anything besides operating on soap)

Beaker: Bee-ka

Dad: I should have been a professor instead.

Me: No Dad, you can’t be a professor. People would hate you.